Saturday, September 1, 2007

Dear (insert name here)...

Dear Eminem lookalike:While I much appreciate your screech of "California girls are SEXY" first thing in the morning, perhaps you should keep a couple things in mind. First, you really should not hit on a girl driving her very own car, when you are riding across the intersection on your bicycle. Secondly, making a V shape with your fingers and enthusiastically wriggling your tongue between them will not cause me to rip off my clothing and leap on you. It may, however, make me fling my half-empty Diet Coke can at you.Dear Guy-Who-Is-Too-Cool:Would it kill you to walk across the intersection with a modicum of speed? I understand that your pants sagging halfway down your ass may be hampering your ability to walk quickly. But I am sitting here watching you walk as I try to get to work. Perhaps you could hike up those jeans before I help you speed things up by pushing you through the crosswalk. On the hood of my car.Dear Little Old Lady:I understand you would like to get an early start on your day, after all, Ensure is on sale at Wal-Mart! However, if you could just wait until maybe 8:00, after most of us have made it to the office, it would be great. I don't know why you're going so slow anyway-you've got one foot in the grave.Dear Courier:I don't know what is so exciting in your pocket that you constantly need to have your hand moving in it, and no, I do not want to see. It is very distracting when you play with your junk and then use that same hand to hand me the bags. I must then try to determine which part of the bag you have yet to touch, and I always end up squirting Purell all over the damn thing after you leave anyway.