Saturday, September 1, 2007

Malibu and rum, please.

I freely admit to having a drinking problem before I was old enough the buy the alcohol. I’m okay with that. What I am not okay with is my inability to stop at just one drink, and my nasty tendency to crawl into a Malibu bottle and stay there when things go badly in my life. So, in an effort to combat this weakness of mine I just plain don’t drink for the most part. I’ve drank about 4 times in the past two years, and all four times it’s ended badly. Now, my reaction to everything is to become violently ill. If I get stressed, if I’m upset, sometimes just because it’s Tuesday. My last ex nicknamed me ‘Pukey’ right before I broke up with him. Turns out he was the reason I was pukey. Anyway, if I drink… it’s guaranteed I’ll be sick. On any given day there’s a good 25 % chance I’ll end up on my knees. Add one drink of alcohol and that ups to about 80%. Add two or more drinks and it’s guaranteed I will be locking myself into a bathroom. You could place a bet on it.So, I was an idiot two days ago when I went to a dive bar and crawled into my Malibu bottle yet again because I was upset. I was with friends, I was playing pool, I was refusing to drink. Then I said “Well, just one”. And I lied.I hate myself when I drink. I get stupid and do things I wouldn’t ordinarily do. I say idiotic things. My grammatical structure gets shot to shit and I use words incorrectly. I am the Human Dictionary/Thesaurus! I am not supposed to do that! I don’t know why I ever even say yes to that first drink. In the back of my head a voice is screaming at me not to do it, that I’ll end up staggering out into the night in a few hours, after I say “Malibu and rum” instead of “Malibu and pineapple”.Ridiculous and embarrassing.